The ties that bind friendships between men are kind of mysterious. Male friendships demand extreme loyalty, but they also demand constant humiliation and one-upsmanship. If a guy’s always telling you what an idiot you are, making fun of your clothes, hair and hobbies, and challenging you to pointless contest after pointless contest, chances are he’s your best friend. Why do we do it? Hard to say. I suppose because it’s all fodder for good stories.

But there’s a fine line between being a guy’s best friend and being a total douche bag. If you’re having trouble finding it, here’s a little list to help you stay on the right side.

So, no matter how tempting some of these might seem, you should never let your friends…

1. Drive Drunk

Hate to start off like an 80’s PSA, but the old adage is true. You let your buddy get behind a wheel when he’s fucked up, whatever happens next is partially on you. Hope you can live with it.

2. Mix Tequila And Jagermeister

Well, maybe in a controlled environment, but at the very least, you’re gonna have a lot of cleaning up to do.

3. Chicken Out From Asking Out A Girl

This is where having good friends really comes in handy. The shame and humiliation of public rejection is nothing compared to the months of ridicule you’ll have to endure if you don’t go for it.

4. Move In With A Girl He’s Been Dating Less Than Three Months

Once the honeymoon period is over, it’s up to him. But you gotta keep him grounded until the “new relationship” high wears off.

5. Star In A YouTube Video

Recording your friends taking it in the nuts, shoving spoonfuls of cinnamon into their mouths, puking from bananas and Sprite, or whatever else you crazy little bastards are into is perfectly acceptable. But keep that shit between the guys. You’re all gonna have to get jobs one day.

6. Remain Sober After A Breakup

Guy Etiquette 101. Of course, you also have to keep a close eye on him and make sure he doesn’t…

7. Drunk-Dial His Ex

Always… ALWAYS regrettable.

8. See If He Can Jump That Far

I know you’re just as jazzed as he is to see if he can make it. But what if he doesn’t? Trips to the hospital are bonding experiences you can do without.

9. Let His Ego Get Out Of Control

If he starts thinking his shit don’t stink, you’ll have to remind him that it does. By putting his underwear on his head when he’s asleep.

10. Be A Dick

Just because he’s acting like a dick doesn’t mean he is one. Keep him from crossing that line, because there’s no going back.

11. Cyber-Stalk (Or Actually Stalk) A Girl

This is pathetic, and if you let your friend go down that road, pretty soon, he’ll start being someone you don’t want to hang around..

12. Borrow Money From You

If he’s broke, just buy him some drinks, pay for his dinner, shit like that. Giving him money WILL ruin your friendship.

13. Back Down From A Fight

You should also step in if he’s starting one, but if he’s being challenged by some roided-out asshole with anger issues, you have to keep his pride in check. Of course, you also can’t let him…

14. Fight Anyone Alone

He’s got your back, you’ve got his. This is the way of the world.

15. Get Arrested

It’s all fun and games till the cops show up. Keep each other out of jail, okay? The memory of a cavity search stays with you a long time.

16. Ditch You For A Girl

If he’s really into somebody, that’s great for him, but it’s your responsibility to keep the friendship going. He’s not capable of making good decisions—he’s blinded by regular sex.

17. Beat You In Anything

And even if he does, never admit defeat.

18. Make An Ass Out Of Himself More Than Three Times In One Night

Three is the absolute limit. After that, it’s not funny anymore and just starts to become sad.

19. Sing Neil Diamond On Karaoke

I don’t care how drunk he is, “Sweet Caroline” is off-limits.

20. Not Take “No” For An Answer

Don’t you hate those guys at the bar who keep pestering a girl after she’s already turned him down? He’s trying to save face, but it’s not working and his friends should really get his ass back to the table.

21. Hug It Out

Even using this phrase is grounds for a punch in the balls.

22. Marry The Wrong Girl

Careful here, because it could end your friendship. But if you know he’s going to be miserable for the rest of his life, it’s your duty to tell him.

23. Leave Him Hanging

I don’t care if you’re not in the mood for a high five. You can’t do this to your buddy.

24. Bang A Fatty

We’ve all been there. It’s the end of the night and all that alcohol has eroded your standards. Your friends can sit and laugh while you hit on her, but if they actually let you go home with her, that should be the last time you hang out with them.