Unlike men, every woman has her own particular way of communicating, so trying to establish blanket interpretations of the female subtext is an exercise in futility. But what the hell. Let’s go for it, anyway.

Many relationship missteps men make have to do with not knowing when to take a statement or question from their significant others at face value, and when to dig around for a deeper meaning. Often, we’ll just go by the words themselves, because it usually seems easier. However, this can have disastrous long-term consequences. We’re expected to read between the lines.

A good rule of thumb is to always have a couple of platonic female friends on hand to serve as certified interpreters on the occasions when questions arise. Remember that it’s always important to supply context if you want an accurate interpretation. Context is key. Tell your friend everything you can remember about the entirety of the conversation and what you may have said (or didn’t say) that prompted the comment in question. This practice can be extremely helpful.

Now, this is not to say that men are stupid and/or women are manipulative. When it comes to straight-up exchanges of information, there’s usually very little gray area. No, it’s more about when emotions are attached — during arguments, when one (or both) of you isn’t sure where you stand, etc.
Okay, sharpen your knives, ladies, because here we go.

1. “Fine.”

Translation: The opposite of fine. This just means that the discussion is over.

2. “Do whatever you want.”

Translation: This is a test of your judgment. I’m not going to tell you if I think it’s okay or not to do this thing. You should know enough about me by now to know if I’m okay with it. Which I’m not, by the way. If you do this, we are through.

3. “I need space.”

Translation: Get the fuck away from me. We’re probably about to break up.

4. “Are you seeing anyone?”

Translation: I’m interested, but I don’t want to waste any more energy on you if you’ve already got someone in your life. If you do, be honest right now. If you don’t, ask me for my goddamn number already.

5. “I’m almost ready.”

Translation: I’ll be ready when I’m ready. Could be 10 minutes, could be an hour. Find something else to do.

6. “You don’t have to, but …”

Translation: If you don’t you’re going to be single very soon.

7. “We need to talk.”

Translation: I need to talk. You need to listen.

8. “We’ll talk about this later.”

Translation: I’m so furious with you that I can’t think straight. I need more time to gather ammunition and/or think about what the fuck I’m still doing with you.

9. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Translation: You will never see me naked.

10. “It’s pretty.”

Translation: Thank you for the gift. It’s the thought that counts. But I’m going to exchange this for something I actually like.

11. “Nothing.”

Translation: Did you seriously ask me, “What’s wrong?” As if you don’t know. Everything is wrong. Everything. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

12. “Whatever.”

Translation: You have won this round, but I refuse to concede, so I’m dismissing that last point you made, and we shall never speak of this again.

13. “I forgive you.”

Translation: I’ve decided I can live with what you’ve done. But you should know that I’m going to use it against you for the rest of your life.

14. “Does this make me look fat?”

Translation: If you answer “Yes,” you’re a fucking idiot. Just tell me I look great.

15. “I’m not hungry.”

Translation: You order whatever you want, just know that I’m going to be picking off your plate, and I don’t want you to give me any shit about it.

16. “That guy is hot.”

Translation: I think you’re taking me for granted and/or you’re starting to let yourself go a little, so I’m lighting a little fire under your ass.

17. “Sense of humor is the most important thing to me.”

Translation: But I’ll settle for that guy with the six-pack and giant dong.

18. “Let’s take it slow.”

Translation: I’ve got at least one other guy on a string right now, and I haven’t decided yet which one of you a like more.

19. “I’m sorry.”

Translation: I am empathizing with you for something shitty that you went through. This does not mean I am admitting fault in any way.

20. “I’m tired.”

Translation: I don’t want your dick anywhere near me tonight. I’ll be going to bed soon. After that, feel free to go to town on yourself. Just leave me out of it.

21. “What did you say?”

Translation: I just gave you a get-out-of-jail-free card. It’s up to you to rephrase that stupid thing you just said to avoid a huge fight.

22. “I’m really busy right now.”

Translation: I don’t want to date you. Please stop calling me.

23. “I’m not mad.”

Translation: I’m mad.

24. “Do you think she’s pretty?”

Translation: Tell me I’m pretty. And you get bonus points if you don’t even look at her before you answer.

25. “Let’s get a dog.”

Translation: I want to have babies, but I don’t want to scare you off. However, based on your answer, I will know your level of commitment.

26. “Don’t worry about it.”

Translation: I’ve asked you five times to fix the fucking sink and you still haven’t done it? I can’t count on you for anything.

27. “Maybe.”

Translation: No.

28. “We’ll see.”

Translation: No.

29. “Yes.”

Translation: Yes. Or maybe. But probably no.

30. “No.”

Translation: This one’s not open to interpretation. Always, always, always assume that when you hear this word, she means what she’s saying, even if she doesn’t. If you get it wrong, that’s on her, not you.