With online dating being what it is, we all go on a helluva lot of first dates these days. And, more often than not, those first dates are also last dates. Now, obviously, there are many possible contributing factors here — lack of chemistry, inconvenient geography, misrepresentation of looks, and so on. And then of course, there’s the biggie: somebody says something stupid.

Men are probably a little more in danger of sticking a foot in their mouth than are women. We say something we think is romantic, and it comes off creepy and stalker-ish. We want to let her know we find her attractive, and we sound like we’re just trying to get laid. We want to impress her and we come off arrogant. We try to be funny and end up offending her. There are a lot of traps we fall into, and instead of getting a goodnight kiss, we kiss our chances of a second date goodbye.

So, men may be better at screwing up a first date, but we certainly don’t have the market cornered. So ladies, just to put it out there, here’s a list of things that most guys don’t want to hear on that first face-to-face. If you like the guy, I’d avoid most of these. Of course, if you don’t like the guy, feel free to use this list to ensure that you never see him again.

1. I want to have kids.

Um, that’s great. But we’re just getting to know each other. I’m not auditioning to be your sperm donor.

2. My ex…

Yeah, we both have histories. I don’t want to feel like you’re hung up on some guy from your past, so let’s save the ex-talk for at least date number two.

3. My mom is crazy.

Uh-oh. Then there’s a good chance you are, too.

4. You’re perfect for me.

How could you possibly know that right now? You might think this is a compliment, but it comes off super-needy.

5. I hate…

Don’t talk about things you hate. Focus on the positive.

6. My therapist says…

Yikes.

7. Say something funny.

I’m not a trained monkey here to entertain you. Let it come naturally.

8. Let me feel your muscles.

Real men don’t flex on command. If you want to touch me, just do it.

9. Tell me something you’ve never told anyone before.

Um… no?

10. So I Googled you, and…

Oh great. A stalker. Look, there’s nothing really wrong with Googling someone before you meet them. Just keep it to yourself.

11. What kind of money do you make?

Seriously?

12. I don’t like this place.

Great. And I picked it. Well, I’m glad I’ve already disappointed you.

13. What you should do is…

Thanks for the unsolicited advice. I was looking for a new mom.

14. I think we’ll be good friends.

Don’t ever say the “f” word on a date. Just reject our goodnight kiss. It’s easier to deal with.

15. I usually date guys who are…

Richer, in better shape, whatever. I don’t care.

16. I’m not racist, but…

You’re about to say something extremely racist.

17. LOL

Hey, I got news for you. We’re sitting here face to face. You can actually laugh out loud.

18. I don’t own a TV.

Oh, you’re sooo cool.

19. Sorry, I really have to take this call.

And I’ll be gone before you hang up.

20. That guy over there is really hot.

Thanks for pointing that out. Guess I’m free to check out the waitress’s ass.

21. People tell me I’m high-maintenance.

And you consider this a selling point?

22. How many women have you slept with?

Even my best friend doesn’t know the truth about that. I’m sure as hell not gonna tell you.

23. So what are you doing tomorrow?

Uh… slow down there, honey. I’m glad you want to see me again, but don’t put me on the spot like that.

24. Come home with me.

Yeah, that’s right. If we really like you, this is something we don’t want to hear on a first date.

25. So I want to tell you about an exciting opportunity…

Oh great. This isn’t a date, it’s an invitation to join a pyramid scheme.

26. Can we wrap this up? I got another date tonight.

Ah, the joys of internet dating.

27. I thought you’d be taller.

Yeah, we know you like tall guys. That’s why we always round up on our profiles.

28. Have you been saved?

Oh, boy.

29. How long was your last relationship?

Didn’t we already go over not talking about the ex? That applies to mine, too.

30. Tell me all about yourself.

What happened to good old conversation? This isn’t a job interview.

31. I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

With me, you mean. Got it.

32. This is my first date in years.

Okay. Even if this is true and there’s a good reason for it, you just turned the pressure up to eleven.

33. So how do you think this is going?

If you have to ask…

34. This just isn’t working out.

Hey, screw you. There are nicer ways to blow a guy off, you know.

35. I love you.

Check please.