I’m not nearly as in love with texting as most people are. That’s not to say it doesn’t have its advantages; it’s just not my preferred method of communication, which is, you know, talking. Especially when trying to win the affections of a member of the fairer sex. I find it lazy and, to be honest, a little cowardly.

Putting yourself out there in person, or even on the phone, can be nerve-racking, but it’s also the best way to stay in control of a situation. You get an answer right then and there, even if that answer is “maybe.” When you send a text, you’re giving her all the control, allowing her to let you dangle before she responds, or worse, giving her the option of not responding at all (which you should take as a resounding “no”).

However, the good thing about wooing a woman via text is that it makes it easier to fake confidence if you don’t have it. It gives you time to craft your responses for maximum smoothness and/or hilarity, which may give you a better shot if she’s on the fence about you, so it’s a great tool for pussies.

Alright, I’m mostly kidding, don’t get your panties all twisted up. Do whatever works for you, and if that’s texting, more power to you. But please, please, please text responsibly. Here are a few things you should NEVER text a woman.

1. “Here”

Seriously, dude? You can’t be bothered to get out of the car and ring her goddamn doorbell? Or even use a frigging pronoun?

2. “Can’t make it. Raincheck?”

If you have to cancel plans, do her the courtesy of calling her and explaining. Texts like this can be interpreted as very cold.

3. “I’m sorry”

If you’ve done something wrong and feel the need to apologize, do that shit in person. She might actually accept.

4. “K”

If you’re so lazy you can’t type one extra letter, then you’re an idiot. Besides, “K” is really feminine.

5. Emoticons

Much like “K,” these are for girls. I mean, how masculine do you really think 😉 can be?

6. Emoti-Penises

No explanation should be necessary.

7. Multiple Unanswered Texts

No matter what you’re asking or telling her, if she’s not responding, she has her reasons, whether they’re valid or not. Every additional text you send makes her lock her knees together a little tighter.

8. “What do you want to do?”

Goddammit. Every guy knows when you ask a girl out, you’re the one who has to decide what you’re doing. Putting it in text form doesn’t change this.

9. Your Junk

I shouldn’t even have to say this. Even if she asks for it (which she probably won’t), this is always a terrible idea.

10. “Running late”

Once again, if you’re fucking up by being late, don’t compound the error by sending this text. Call her.

11. “Fine”

If this is in response to her breaking your date, pissing you off, etc., it’s passive-aggressive as hell.

12. “R U joking?”

If you have to ask, you don’t deserve to know.

13. “!”

Exclamation points are for sissies.

14. “Haha” or “LOL”

If she makes you laugh, respond with something that will make her laugh, too.

15. “I was wrong”

Never put that in writing. It WILL be used against you.

16. “I think we should see other people”

This is the kind of thing I was talking about earlier. Didn’t your mama raise you right? Breaking up is a delicate process, and it has to be done with at least a modicum of respect. If you do it by text, you’re either afraid of confrontation or you’re an unbelievable asshole.

17. “Thinking of you…”

You probably think you’re being all romantic and shit, but this is a text that says nothing of importance and requires no response. In other words, the absolute worst kind of text.

18. “Are you mad at me?”

If she wasn’t, she is now.

19. An Unsolicited Selfie

Christ, I fucking hate that word. She doesn’t want to see your egocentric ass making that “Zoolander” face. Correction… she wants to show it to everyone she knows and laugh at what an idiot you are.

20. Sexts

Sexting should be reserved for long-term relationships temporarily separated by distance. Does this kind of thing really make anyone horny?

21. Anything Over… Let’s Say 20 Words

You get the idea. Long texts are annoying as hell. You know this. You hate it when you get one. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

22. “Who’s that guy you were with?”

I spared you the all caps, but the guys who have actually sent this text probably didn’t. Calm down, hothead. Haven’t I already told you to handle confrontation like a man?

23. “Please give me another chance”

Begging is never sexy, but in text form, it reaches new levels of branding you a pathetic loser for life.

24. “I love you”

Maybe if you’ve been together awhile and “I love you” has become part of your relationship vernacular it’s OK, but if you’re just dating, that’s a really creepy thing to do.

25. “I have herpes”

Well, that’s one way of avoiding an awkward conversation.