Men are, by and large, very simple creatures. Lying d-bags and manipulative a-holes aside, there tends to be very little distance between what we say and we mean. It’s that “linear thinking” you’ve heard about — according to science, men take the simplest, most direct route to accomplish what they’re trying to accomplish (A plus B equals C) whereas women are more contextual and emotional in their thought processes (A plus B, minus logic, plus mood, divided by whatever’s going at the moment, multiplied by the past and covered in chocolate sauce equals C unless she wants it to equal D). These incredibly different approaches to thinking just might be the root of all those communication issues men and women face, don’t you think? And it also might have something to do with why men are often left scratching their heads in confusion when we’re presented with how women reach certain conclusions. It just doesn’t make sense to us.

We say certain things with our logic applied to them. Women interpret what we say using their logic. Chaos follows. My recommendation is this: If you suspect there’s a difference between what someone says and what’s really behind it, before you let your mind run wild with your own interpretations and then marrying whatever conclusions you land on, just ask, “What do you mean by that?” If they give you the same answer, then fucking accept it and move on. Don’t make a federal case out of it. If you find out later they were lying or trying to manipulate you or whatever, then that’s not someone you want to be with. Sucks, I get it, but it’s not the end of the world. Jesus Christ.

That being said, here’s a little guide for some of the basic things that men tend to say and how those things can likely be interpreted. This is meant exclusively for the purpose of entertainment, but if you want to sound off about it and call me an asshole or an idiot, feel free. It won’t hurt my feelings, and that’s me saying exactly what I fucking mean.

1. “I’ll call you.”

Translation: “I’m not going to call you. Well, I might. Probably not, though.”

2. “I don’t care.”

Translation: “You have presented me with an option that, while clearly very important to you, is not a big deal to me at all. Since we’re probably going to end up doing what you want to do anyway, let’s just skip the conversation and go straight to that. If I actually do care about a choice you give me, I swear I will tell you. This is not a test and I’m not trying to be difficult. I truly don’t care. So, for the love of God, just tell me where we’re going to eat tonight.”

3. “She’s just a friend.”

Translation: “I’m flattered by your jealousy and I swear I’ve never had sex with her. If I had, we probably wouldn’t still be friends.”

4. “It’s my fault; I’m sorry.”

Translation: “We’ve been arguing about this for hours and I just can’t take it anymore. Congratulations, you wore me down. Can we have sex now?”

5. “Can we talk about this later?”

Translation: “Could you pretty, pretty please with sugar on top… shut the fuck up?”

6. “My ex was kind of crazy.”

Translation: “This is going well and I’m very attracted to you, but please, please, please, if you’re crazy, reveal it as soon as possible. I’ll probably slit my wrists if I have to go through that again.”

7. “I was kidding.”

Translation: “Oh, shit, I was using humor to express something I believed to be profoundly true, and you saw right through it. This is me backpedaling.”

8. “I never masturbate.”

Translation: “I’ve cut down to three times a day.”

9. “Strip clubs are gross.”

Translation: “Of course they’re gross, but I still go to them in a pinch. You see, I love naked women, but I like women who might actually have sex with me much, much more.”

10. “I never watch porn.”

Translation: “I watch a ton of porn, but my last girlfriend found my Internet search history this one time and made me feel kinda like a freak about it, so this is just a flat-out lie. Sorry about that.”

11. “You look amazing in that dress.”

Translation: “Can we go now?”

12. “That’s not what I meant!”

Translation: “Oh, shit, you took that much worse than I thought you would.”

13. “It’s a guy thing.”

Translation: “If you don’t get it, I can’t explain it. Don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal, and it’s probably stupid anyway. Can we drop it?”

14. “I like a girl who doesn’t wear any makeup.”

Translation: “I don’t know what I’m talking about. Just don’t paint yourself up like a clown. It takes forever, it smells weird and if I touch you or kiss you, it gets all over me. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you looking your best.”

15. “Did you cum?”

Translation: “I know I just killed the mood, but I’m really insecure and I need validation that I was at least adequate in bed and that you’ll give me another chance at it. I love sex.”

16. “You really know how to eat.”

Translation: “This is not a slam on your weight at all, so please don’t take it that way. You don’t make me go to vegan restaurants, and you order things I like, which means I can finish what you don’t eat. Life is good.”

17. “We need to take a little break.”

Translation: “I’ve been trying to get you to dump me for three months now and this is as close as I can get to doing it myself.”

18. “Hey, do you know where my sweatshirt is?”

Translation: “The one I let you borrow the first time you slept over at my place? I’m really flattered that you want to hold on to it, but it’s mine and I want it back.”

19. “I’m really tired.”

Translation: “Of course I still want to have sex, just… you get on top.”

20. “Let me give you a massage.”

Translation: “Let’s have sex.”

21. “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.”

Translation: “I’m being honest. I just want sex. We can see where it goes and all, but I’m not making any promises about us having a future together. What do you think?”

22. “Let me cook you dinner.”

Translation: “Come over to my place so we can have sex.”

23. “How many guys have you slept with?”

Translation: “I’m an idiot and I’m sabotaging our relationship because there’s no good answer to this question. I won’t like the truth and lying to me is even worse. Please avoid answering this question without making it sound like your sexual history is in line with Madonna’s. Please?”

24. “I didn’t want to bug you.”

Translation: “I didn’t tell you because I knew there was a risk of drama, and being a man, I hate drama, so I didn’t include you. I wasn’t necessarily trying to hide anything and there was no harm done. Can we move past it?”

25. “We should start exercising.”

Translation: “You’re getting fat.”

26. “I’m not angry.”

Translation: “I’m really not angry. Well, maybe I am a little angry, but I’ll get over it. Let’s not make it a big thing, okay?”

27. “I’m okay.”

Translation: “Maybe I’m not really all that okay, but it’s something I’d prefer to deal with on my own. Please stop asking me if I’m okay, because the more times you ask that question, the less okay I actually feel.”

28. “How do you know that guy?”

Translation: “Have you had sex with him? Because I’m either threatened by him or think he’s a douche and am worried about your standards.”

29. “I really like you.”

Translation: “You’re smart, funny and attractive and I want you to know it, but I’m not even close to wanting to commit to anything long-term right now. How about we have sex?”

30. “I love you.”*

Translation: “Wow, I did it. I’m crazy about you and don’t want to see anyone else. You’re someone I could see spending the rest of my life with.”

* If this is said during sex, we cannot be held to it. Sorry. No blood in the brain and all that.